When to Coach and When to Just Tell Them

Somewhere along the way, coaching became the answer to everything. Ask questions. Draw out the insight. Let them arrive at the conclusion themselves. And there's real wisdom in that — when it's the right tool for the moment.

The problem is that a lot of leaders have started using coaching as a way to avoid the discomfort of direct feedback. It's easier to ask 'what do you think went wrong?' than to say 'here's what I observed and here's why it matters.' One feels collaborative. The other feels like a confrontation. So we default to questions, even when what the person in front of us actually needs is clarity.

Here's the distinction I use: coaching is the right approach when someone has the capability to solve the problem and needs space to think it through. Directing is the right approach when someone lacks information, is in a time-sensitive situation, or is about to make a mistake that will cost them or the organization significantly.

A new employee who doesn't know the process doesn't need coaching. They need to be told the process. A senior leader who keeps running the same meeting the same ineffective way probably does need coaching — because the issue isn't information, it's awareness and habit.

The other thing worth saying: sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is tell someone directly what you see. Endless Socratic questioning when the answer is obvious can feel patronizing. People know when you're dancing around something. A clear, honest observation — delivered with care — is often more useful and more respectful than a coaching conversation that circles the issue without ever landing on it.

The best leaders I've worked with are fluent in both. They know when to ask and when to tell. They don't confuse coaching with kindness, or directness with harshness. And they've learned — usually through experience — that the people they lead can handle more honesty than they're typically given.